Review of the Advanced Clitoral Pump

Review of the Advanced Clitoral Pump

By Lady Spanky

When I was given this assignment I actually laughed out loud, I have never seen anything like the Clitoral Pump before and wasn’t too sure whether it would be something that I liked. However, like the open minded individual that I am I decided to give it a go and see how I got on.

The product arrived in a bog standard cardboard box and was contained inside a plastic bag. My first impression of the pump was that it was a beautiful sparkly pink colour and was really pretty to look at! It measured 16 centremetres from head to foot and came with two different attachments to use. One was full of bumpy nodules and the other was a smooth cup. It also comes with a sponge to soak up any excess lubricant and prevent it from leaking into the vibration unit.

Because of the funny shape and the large ‘pump attachment’ this toy is not easy to store. It would need to be kept in a drawer or cupboard. It is 100% phthalates free and can also be easily washed with soap and water or toy cleaner but the instructions advise against submerging the toy in water as this will cause it to malfunction. There are no batteries included with this toy either which was quite disappointing, luckily I live in a house with a lot of remote controls! The batteries required are 2 AAA batteries and are easily placed in the bottom of the toy which unscrews.

According to the instructions the Advanced Clitoral Pump was designed to increase blood flow for more intense genital sensations and can be used with or without vibrations. To use, you place the scoop over your clitoris and use the bulb to create a soothing suction and can also add a vibration feature to increase the sensations. It is designed to be used to enhance self-pleasure or with a partner. The toy has three levels of vibration from weak to strong and these are activated by pressing the button on the side of the unit. The more presses you do the stronger the vibration.

So, armed with this information I settle down with the pump. I am quite looking forward to some new and unusual sensations so I place the head accordingly and squeeze the pump as instructed and… nothing. The pump itself caved in and I had to remove the unit to let the air back into the pump so I could use it again. I manoeuvre the unit round slightly and press it on harder and squeeze the pump… still nothing and it caves in again. Bemused, I try it on my hand and do feel a mild suction so I put it back in place and still feel nothing?

After re-reading the instructions, I can’t understand how I can be using it wrong so I try it with the vibration unit switched on to be if it works better. The cup that that came attached to the unit was the cup with the nodules and although the vibration feels quite nice the suction pump still doesn’t work.

I tried switching the head to the smooth attachment to see if that works better and couldn’t even get it on. It was at that point I gave up. I felt annoyed, frustrated and quite frankly ripped off! I have never been so disappointed in a sex toy and certainly wouldn’t recommend that anyone go out and buy it. The whole episode just felt like hard work.

I have yet to try this toy with a partner and there is a good chance that it would work better but this is not the toy for a Lone Ranger. In fact, the only pleasure I got from it was throwing it to the back of the cupboard!